


What the F**k is a Speedwagon?

by WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine



Category: Deadpool (Movieverse)
Genre: Gratuitous Scott Slamming, M/M, Nathan is Oblivious (yet weirdly charmed), Prompt Fill, SO MUCH BANTER, Seduction Via 80s Music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 07:52:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine/pseuds/WithYouTilTheEndoftheLine
Summary: "Trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star...""Wilson, it's two in the morning. What are they caterwauling about?""Caterwauling?" Wade gasped. "Those are the passionate, dulcet tones of a man in love! With a woman, a bandmate, his hair...who knows. But love, Nate. Love."





	What the F**k is a Speedwagon?

Though Nathan knew about Wade's musical proclivities, he never really thought about becoming the target of them. For a while, it was just another obnoxiousness to be ignored. 

Whenever Negasonic Teenage Warhead came into the room, she was greeted by a singer named Avril Lavigne, which apparently offended her greatly. Yukio either got "I Want Candy" or something from a kids' cartoon about ponies that Wade insisted on watching at 3 a.m. Domino thought "Luck Be a Lady" was amusing the first time, but at the 13th she put Wilson into an impressive headlock until the music stopped. And Colossus? "Back in the USSR".

But then music began when it was only the two of them, ready to charge into a nest of god-knows-what that was attacking humanity this week, and Nathan turned on Deadpool with a growl.

"Wilson! Turn your damn iPod off, we're in the middle of a mission!"

Wade gave him a 'aww, isn't that cute' look that somehow translated perfectly through the mask. "Don't worry, it's not an iPod. The enemy can't hear it. Only we can. Though they could hear it if I wanted them to. Could make for a nice distraction. Good idea, Nate!"

"Wade!"

"Oh, is it the song choice? Yeah, "High on You" might not be the best thing for a battle sequence. Oooh!" he exclaimed, and the song shifted seamlessly into Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield" which, judging by the targets' reactions, they could in fact hear.

"If you fuck this up..."

"Okay, okay," Wade said, the music fading. "Don't be mad. If you storm off I'll have to break out the Phil Collins. I _will_ boombox "Against All Odds" outside your bedroom window."

((he did indeed boombox out there, though the song was "Don't Stop Believin'" instead, and it took dozens of thrown shoes from various apartment windows to get him to stop))

The shoes weren't much of a deterrent, however, because from that point on, Wade was relentless:

"Trying to catch your heart is like trying to catch a star..."

"Wilson, it's two in the morning. What are they caterwauling about?"

"Caterwauling?" Wade gasped. "Those are the passionate, dulcet tones of a man in love! With a woman, a bandmate, his hair...who knows. But love, Nate. _Love_."

*~*~*

When Nathan started to open his bedroom door after a pain-in-the-ass mission only to have "I want to know what love is..." blare out, he shut the door again before he could see whatever Wade was doing in there. Some mental images just did not need to be in his head.

The French maid outfit had been bad enough. Wade had broken that one out in the X-Men's(People's?) kitchen as Nathan had come in for dinner, dancing enthusiastically to Sheena Easton's "For Your Eyes Only".

Except it hadn't been for his eyes only, as Russell was cackling and filming the performance for YouTube and Scott was huddled in the corner, traumatized.

Negasonic had wandered in with Yukio, taken one look, and declared that the sight was proof positive there was no God, while Yukio had asked where he'd found the shoes.

At least Wade had largely stopped fiddling with the lyrics. Somehow he doubted "Waiting for a Bot Like You" had ever been considered a classic, and when he'd come into the living room anticipating a movie and a beer only to have Deadpool cue up music somehow (how did he always time it to exactly when he entered a room?) and start singing something about "I wish that I was Cable's girl", Nathan had had to take a couple of deep, meditative breaths before responding. 

"Wade?" 

"...why can't I find a cyborg like that?" Wade had continued, wiggling his hips and apparently not hearing a word Nathan was saying until he raised his voice. 

"I'm going to turn around for ten seconds, and when I look again..." 

Wade was indeed gone when he turned back around, though the song remained.

*~*~*

All was quiet (well, never quiet, not with Wilson, but at least things weren't musical) for about two weeks.

Admittedly, Nathan himself was the one to break the peace. But the opportunity had been too good to pass up.

"He's seriously doing the superhero-badass walk on the way to the kitchen for breakfast," Wade said, peering around the doorway to watch Scott approach. "What a douchepickle."

"What's the most ridiculous song you can think of?" Nathan asked.

Wade gave him a sly grin. "I like the way you think."

A moment later the music keyed up, and Nathan raised his eyebrows. It was, in fact, ridiculous, to the point where he wasn't sure if it was a real song or something Wade had made up on the fly.

"There we go," Wade said, looking supremely satisfied as Scott began cursing up a storm. "Nobody can look badass while Weird Al's "Harvey the Wonder Hamster" is playing."

The moment, though worth it, had opened the floodgates again.

"And if I have to crawl along the floor..." Wade's voice outside his room was suspiciously low to the ground, but before Nathan could confirm that he was actually crawling, the second line came-- "Come crashing through your door!" and his door exploded inward in a shower of splinters.

"Wade, what in the ass--"

" _I_ say that!" Wade exclaimed delightedly, bounding across the room to cling to Nathan like a spider monkey. "I'm rubbing off on you! Or maybe rubbing you, if our author would get over her awkwardness about writing porn as opposed to reading it."

"You are nuttier than squirrel shit," Nathan grumbled, opening his bedroom window from several feet away.

"So does that mean there's squirrels in the future? Are they giant radioactive ones? Y'know, I read this book when I was a kid about a dog who got bitten by a were-squirrel and started craving peanut butter and hoarding things..."

Nathan used his TK to peel Wade off of him, and then hover him outside the window.

"Oooh, Deadpool likey," he crooned. "What else can you do with those invisible hands?" He gasped. "Wait! Phil Collins! "Invisible Touch"! How have I missed that one? Bad Deadpool."

"Goodnight, Wade," Nathan said, and dropped him unceremoniously the two stories to the ground.

*~*~*

"Okay, Nate, I'm gonna need your help for this next one. It's a true classic, theme from Greatest American Hero. Now I know it's bad form to ask for your direct help in seducing you, but when he gets to the part about walking on air I need you to use your Carrie-powers and levitate me."

"Sure you don't want me to just douse you in pig's blood instead?"

"You _have_ been watching my recommendations list!"

"I get insomnia, and..." His brain finally caught up with something that had been said a few minutes ago, which wasn't unusual in conversations with Wade. "Did you say seduce?"

"Give the man a prize! You think I go to this much trouble for all my friends? I made us a playlist, Nate. That's true love right there."

"You could've just--"

"Ah ah. You used 'just' to talk about my behavior. Doesn't work that way."

Nathan closed the distance between them, and the song Wade had been talking about swelled--(heh, swelled) and Nathan paused, looking around the room.

"Where the hell _is_ the music coming from?"

"From my heart, Nathan," Wade said, so ridiculously sincerely that he almost believed him for a second. "Seriously, though, it's our soundtrack. At least for this story. Sometimes there's angsty music, or more bow-chicka-wow-wow, but for this we get 80s hair bands. Now shhh," Wade said, pressing a finger to his mouth, though he hadn't said a word during Wade's breathless monologue. "Shut up and kiss me."

***  
Epilogue  
***

"You are a filthy liar."

Wade gasped, looking scandalized at the fact that Nathan was poring over a giant folder of CD playlists he'd made.

"And you're a snoop! How dare you invade my privacy in such a--"

"Wade, this was sitting open on my bed."

"Oh yeah."

"You make playlists for everyone. _Everyone_ ," he said, tapping one that was titled, "Cashier at Convenience Store Two Blocks East (Graveyard Shift)."

"She has a very interesting face," Wade said, not a hint of defensiveness to his tone as he flopped down next to Nathan on the couch. "And I like playlists."

Nathan flipped back to the playlist for Althea, of which the first three tracks were, "I See The Light," "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," and "I Can See Clearly Now (The Rain is Gone)". "You're also kindof a dick."

"Kindof?" Wade exclaimed. "I'll have you know my adorable dickitude is my number one quality among readers. Well, that and my stamina, _if you know what I mean_. I can--" 

Nathan tuned out the lecherous tirade as he looked over some of the other playlists. The titles and songs were written in impeccable handwriting, which had surprised him. Given Wade's crayon-illustrated mission plans, he'd halfway expected block letters or at least some chicken scratch-writing. Twenty-three CDs at the back were titled Vanessa. He decided not to bring that up right now.

"...so depending on how much damage is done, my healing factor takes care of not-so-little Deadpool in anywhere from one minute to ten minutes. I've tested a variety of methods, including--"

"Did you ever play this for Althea?" Nathan interrupted.

"Yesss," Wade answered happily. "She threatened to deep-fry my balls. I told her she was a movie late for that, and she chased me out with a broom. Memories." Then he stopped, realizing there was a blank space in the CD holder. "Hey! One's missing!" He examined the surrounding CDs for a few seconds. "Where's Scott's?"

"As much as I was disturbed at first to realize you'd made a playlist for my dad..."

"Ten repeats of Weird Al's "White and Nerdy" with a Rickroll stuck in the middle," Deadpool said dreamily. "One of my best." He sighed. "Too bad he'll never hold still long enough to listen to it."

"Unless I..." Nathan paused. "Unless the author uses some TK to get a CD player to follow him around wherever he goes."

Wade gasped, this time in delight. "Did you just break the fourth wall for me even though you have no idea what I'm talking about?"

"Something like that."

Wade threw his arms around him. "I knew I picked the right metal-armed badass! Bucky has nothing on you."

Nathan frowned. "Who the hell is Bucky?"

Wade quickly edged back, looking horrified. "Was that an honest question, or are you becoming self-aware? This is how The Terminator started. Are you now or have you ever been a member of Skynet--"

His paranoid rant was cut off by Scott's aggrieved shout out in the hallway. "Will somebody help me turn this thing off?!" As "White and Nerdy" shifted into "Never Gonna Give You Up", Scott let out what sounded suspiciously like a scream, followed by, "Goddammit!"

"Language!" Nathan called. "Think about what you're teaching me!"

**Author's Note:**

> ((Wade is talking about a real book, by the way. The Curse of the Squirrel, by Laurence Yep.))


End file.
